


S04E18 - Rocknaldo REDUX

by justinsbuzz



Series: The REDUX series. [1]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Canon Rewrite, Crack, F/M, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-14
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:42:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27002950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justinsbuzz/pseuds/justinsbuzz
Summary: Ronaldo wants to be a member of the Crystal Gems. Steven wants to keep his sanity. Connie wants to see Ronaldo vanish forever. Amethyst wants to see chaos ensue. who will get what they want?
Relationships: Connie Maheswaran & Steven Universe
Series: The REDUX series. [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1970806
Comments: 12
Kudos: 7





	S04E18 - Rocknaldo REDUX

**Author's Note:**

> This was a crackfic prompt challenge of which episode could use a rewrite, with a nice, overzealous dash of crackfic writing. The episode wasn't all that great (often regarded as the worst episode in the series). But the transcript for the episode itself reads like it was written to be crackfic. It was crazy.

Rocknaldo, Redux:

“In all fairness, hitting a seagull with my violin might not have been my finest moment.” Connie said as she and Steven strolled along the southern boardwalk in the mid-summers day. “I mean… the sound it made. Yeesh, why would you date a person like me?”

“I think it might be easier to list why I wouldn’t. That would be a short one.” Steven said passively. “Like, it would be a blank page. And we all have our goof-ups.”

“Well, there’s always the bright side of things, that means no violin practice until it gets fixed.” Connie mentioned.

“But didn’t I already fix it though? Did the whole kissy-thing when your hands became cracked and sore?” Steven asked.

“My mom doesn’t know that. All she knew was that I valiantly slapped an evil seagull from the sky to defend your honor.” Connie replied. “She was impressed though. which means no more violin practice for a few weeks. We can goof off and do whatever before school starts up in a month.”

Seven smiled at the idea of spending more time with Connie. She wouldn’t get any complaints from him.

“Yeah. I kind of wish I could go to school with you.” Steven spoke.

“No you don’t. technically, you would be in 8th grade. And I’ve heard rumors about that.” Connie groaned. “More homework. Teachers scare you into believing that high school is a nightmare. Having to take showers after gym.”

“That doesn’t sound so ba- oh no.” Steven stopped in his tracks, with a look of dread on his face.

“Yep, finally came to realize that middle school is a nightmare. I still wake up in a cold sweat of doing a test I didn’t study for while not carrying my sword.” Connie spoke, folding her arms and looking insecure. “I feel naked without-”

“No. Not that oh no. I mean major oh no. Like, what rhymes with ‘oh no’?” Steven asked, his face turning flushed.

“Um… mutated evil taco?” Connie guessed, before going into defense mode. “Another mutant mascot?! YES! Always wanted to take one out. Where is it? Where’s the weenus I can take my teenage frustration out on?!”

“No. Worse.” Steven answered, gesturing towards the paranoid basement dweller outside of their natural habitat.

“Oh no. Ronaldo.” Both Steven and Connie said at the same time, and now sharing the same sense of dread.

“Okay, maybe we should hide in the bushes and just sneak away. Just like in the cartoons.” Connie plotted. “Worse case scenario, we take a bench and make out. No one ever pays attention to POS. It’s full proof!”

“As nice as that sounds Strawberry, I think we should just sneak… away.” Steven started to say before the two of them were spotted. Their stomachs had collectively dropped.

“STEVEN! CONNIE! Hey! Glad I caught you there!” Ronaldo cried out, waving a pamphlet.

“We’re not.” Steven and Connie mumbled to themselves before turning around and wearing large, strained smiles and walking towards Ronaldo. “Hi Ronaldo.”

“Here! Take a couple of my Ronalphlets! Learn how to protect yourselves from the threat of Beach City!” Ronaldo called out as he tossed a few pamphlets at them, before spotting Mr. Smiley hiding behind a bush. “Hey! Mr. Smiley! Educate yourself on the menace that threatens Beach City!”

“Um. Yeah. My mom told me to never take ‘Ronalphlets’ from lunatics on the beach, but I’m 13. Let’s get dangerous.” Connie said sarcastically. As she picked up the pamphlets, shaking off the sand, and handing one to Steven.

“Yeah, Ronaldo. No one has to worry about ‘menaces. No as long as this dream team is still around.” Steven replied confidently as he looked at the pamphlet. His demeanor went from amusement to insulted in less than a second as he read the title of the pamphlet. “’How to protect yourself from rock people’?”

“Alien entities walk among us?” Connie read out loud in disgust.

“They’re adding mind-controlling minerals to our water supply- yep, done. That was 50 million brain cells in the trash can, and 10 seconds I’m never going to get back.” Connie stopped reading as she balled up the pamphlet and tossed it perfectly into the trashcan nearby. “Boom, biscuit.”

“Ronaldo, What the fresh donk is this?!” Steven exclaimed while sounding highly offended. “Are you knocking the Crystal Gems?”

“‘They hate men’? Oh jeez, not another one of you strong-women-hating weenuses! Is this because Garnet spurned your romantic feelings for her? Jeez, talk about your masculine hangups.” Connie said as she shook her head.

“That was Jamie.” Steven reminded Connie.

“Wait… Isn’t Jamie the one with the tig welder and a police record?” Connie asked, sounding confused.

“That’s Onion.” Steven replied.

“I… really need to get to know other people apart from the crystal gems.” Connie spoke, sounding stunned.

“Yeah. Maybe another time. For now, let’s focus on how Ronaldo here is talking smack about my family.” Steven said as he turned his angry gaze on the oblivious Ronaldo. “Because, seriously, what the heck is this?!”

“Oh, that’s an infozine pamphlet, but I’ve been calling them ‘Ronalph-” Ronaldo was cut off by the annoyed Connie.

“We get that, you baked potato. We’re talking about the crazed ranting in this pamphlet.” Connie said, sounding more and more annoyed.

“It’s actually called a-” Ronaldo was cut off. But this time, by Steven.

“We’re not calling it that.” Steven said, still sounding insulted. “I mean, some of this junk… I’m… I don’t know where to begin. What you’re saying about the Crystal Gems is… I just got back from space. I don’t need this!”

“ ‘Crystal Gems’? Oh no, no, no. Steven. The Crystal Gems aren’t rock people. They FIGHT rock people. You should watch my documentary about them. I think I understand them more than most of these plebs.” Ronaldo incorrected the constantly insulted Steven and Connie.

“Yeah, I’m just going to stop you there and say that 1.) You don’t know them like we do.” Connie said, leaning up against her boyfriend.”

“And 2.) The Crystal Gems don’t just fight rock people, We ARE rock people!” Steven blurted out, now more agitated than before. “And for the record, don’t freaking call us ‘rock people’. It is really, REALLY offensive!”

“Yeah, you racist.” Connie murmured as she rolled her eyes.

“Oh no. Rock people are different, obviously.” Ronaldo said, clearly forgetting that Steven and Connie just said, causing Connie to bare her clenched teeth, and Steven to glare at Ronaldo the same way he would stare at Kevin.

“Say the word, Steven, and I’ll peel this potato and feed him to the sharks. No one will miss him.” Connie whispered angrily as Steven gently pat Connie’s back.

“Steady, Connie.” Steven whispered back. “Not now… too many witnesses.”

“For starters, they have rocks embedded into their bodies.” Ronaldo stated.

This caused Steven to lift his shirt and reveal his gem. Connie then waved her hands to draw attention to it.

“My biscuit had bling for days, meatbag!” Connie said angrily. “Next.”

“But they can summon weapons from the Mud Dimension.” Ronaldo said.

Steven instantly produced his shield while Connie was hitting her right fist into her left palm menacingly.

“I got Connie on speed dial.” Steven said flatly.

“And you’re really earning yourself a ticket to the Mud Dimension” Connie glowered at the concerned looking Ronaldo.

“No-no, you’re not getting it.” Ronaldo said, trying to gain control over the conversation by pretending to be an intellectual, and failing miraculously at it. “They can alter their forms. That’s how they trick humans into loving them!”

Steven turns his finger into a cat while Connie latches her arms around Steven.

“And I was in love with him WAY BEFORE he figured out how to do that without turning into a Eldritch-like horror beast.” Connie said before giving Steven a big smooch on his cheek.

“Aww! B-but wait… wait a second! You’re a rock person?!” Ronaldo said, causing Connie to nearly snap. This led to Steven to dismiss the cat finger and shield before holding the visibly furious Connie back.

“That’s strike 3, Steven!” Connie roared as Steven did his best to hold Connie back. “Lemme mash this potato, Steven! My dad can help cover it up, no one but his body pillow would miss him! COME ON, MAN!”

“We’re called Crystal Gem’s, Ronaldo!” Steven said as he held Connie in a tight hug, trying to calm her down. “Listen. Ronaldo. You really got a lot of stuff wrong in this. This kind of misinformation can really do a lot of harm. We already have enough on our plate as it is with Homeworld diamonds and stuff. Seriously. Not cool.”

Ronaldo was in a state of shock and existential worry. The realization that everything he’s ever known, like most things that bobble around in his head, is wrong.

“I- I see… Thank you, Steven. You’ve opened my eyes.” Ronaldo said, wiping away a single tear with one hand, while tossing away the rest of the pamphlets in a nearby trashcan, having most of them blow away.

“Uh… littering? The recycler is the next trashcan over.” Connie said, watching the pamphlets fly away. “That can is the Kevin can. Where you dispose of the Kevins.”

“Ronaldo… Look. I’m sorry. We all goof up from time to time. Heck, you could set the day of the week by how often I goof up.” Steven said, trying to lighten the mood, while Connie nodded passively.

“Major forecast says a major goof up will happen tomorrow.” Connie added.

“Basically, just recognize that the Crystal Gems and I aren’t that different from you. Okay?” Steven tried to reassure Ronaldo, while Connie looked at Steven with a confused look on her face.

“Yeah. Right. Thanks, Steven. I need to go and rethink some things.” Ronaldo said as she shuffled off. “Later.”

A moment or so passed as they looked on at Ronaldo as he walked down the street, his head hanging low.

“‘the Crystal Gems and I aren’t that different from you’? Steven? W-what?” Connie asked, sounding very confused. “Have you MET Ronaldo? Read his blogs? He’s very different from the Crystal Gems.”

“Well, it’s kind of true. I couldn’t just let him feel bad.” Steven said, trying to reason with Connie. “And maybe having him go off and really think about what he’s been saying might do him some good.”

“Then why do I feel like I might be right about a big goof up coming our way?” Connie asked, looking concerned.

“That might be because the pretzel dog we just shared earlier might not have been too fresh.” Steven said, beginning to not feel well, along with Connie.

“Last one to the trashcan at the end of the boardwalk has to- wait. WAIT!” Connie began to speak before watching Steven march off towards that direction at a fast pace. “We need to set up a wag- screw it. OUT OF THE WAY!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~

The rest of the day was uneventful, despite the minor food poisoning. The next day, although feeling better, the two of them were yet unaware of something strange happening that day as they both did what most teens would do on a hot, summer day; stay inside and become couch potatoes. This was interrupted by Amethyst, jumping in between Steven and Connie, who were sitting on the couch, and opened up a laptop she definitely didn’t steal from anyone.

“Guys. Code: grease basket.” Amethyst said bluntly as she swung open her laptop, and opened up the web page leading to the ‘Keep Beach City Weird’ blog. “Did you guys say anything to Ronaldo that would make him act… erratic?”

“Wait, he can act MORE erratic?” Connie asked.

“Never doubt the power of paranoid beliefs, Connie.” Amethyst said. “I spent 2 years in the Empire City sewage system as a giant crocodile, wearing a top hat. I’m still a legend there. But, yeah, check this out.”

As they slowly scrolled down, they had begun to read multiple blog posts that were posted late yesterday to early this morning.

“I regret to inform my loyal followers that…I’M SHUTTING DOWN MY BLOG?!” Steven said in a shocked tone.

“Taking down social media accounts, ViewTube channel, Antsy shop, Wow… This is… Interesting?” Connie asked, looking confused. “I mean, not going to lie, some of the things he’s been coming up with are off the wall crazy. I’m glad he’s doing that, but also… I feel bad for him?”

“Didn’t you say he used the R-word a few times yesterday?” Amethyst asked.

“And the resentment has returned.” Connie replied flatly “Now all we need to do is take out Kevin’s Car Corner, Peeling with Peedee, and Onion’s creepy-as-heck ASMR channel, and I can be the sole ruler of the internet. ‘Connie Games’ will take over all of the internet!”

“Hrmm… oh jeez, ‘I may never come back to the internet’?!” Steven read out loud.

“What the heck did you tell him, you two?” Amethyst asked, sounding surprised.

“I just told him that he was mistaken about who the Crystal Gems, being us, really are.” Steven replied.

“And I didn’t say anything about mashing potatoes, or turning Ronaldo into fish bait.” Connie tried to sound convincing, despite the fact that Steven and Amethyst knew her well enough.

“Well, all I can say is that without an outlet for him to talk about things, that means… he’s just going to get worse.” Steven said, looking worried still.

“And I’m no longer going to be able to get the exposure of being 3 different urban myths of Beach City.” Amethyst added, sounding deflated. “I only have so much going for me these days.”

“Maybe he’s just taking a break to rethink things. He could bounce back and do something other than fueling paranoia.” Connie reasoned before a new notification had popped up. A new post. Refreshing the page, they both saw that it was a new video, posted just a few minutes ago.

Amethyst clicked on the video player to start. The video started the same way most of KBCW’s videos start. Ronaldo, sitting in a leather swivel chair with a red fabric backdrop. Ronaldo, looking suspiciously calm, looked into the camera and began to speak.

‘Good day, loyal followers of Keep Beach City Weird. I've come to you today because I pride myself in bringing you the truth about all the weird stuff in Beach City the Man doesn't want you to know about.” Ronaldo spoke before Connie and Amethyst stifled their laughter.

“I should have brought some snacks for this.” Connie mentioned with mild regret. “I mean, ‘The man’? oh.. just… sorry. Go on.”

“But today, I need to tell you some truths about this man! I've mixed up what is right and wrong and ended up saying some pretty mean things about the Crystal Gems.” Ronaldo said, looking slightly ashamed.

“Yeah, you goofed up alright.” Amethyst added.

“I feel terrible about my mistake because I know more than anyone what it's like to do thankless work and to be an outsider. That's why I'm joining the Crystal Gems!”

“WHAT?!” The three of them exclaimed loudly. A split second later, they heard footsteps pounding up the stairs to the house. And suddenly, the door bursts open, showing Ronaldo, wearing a large grin on his face.

“Steven!” Ronaldo yelled. “I have come to join your merry band of Crystal Gems!”

Emotions were mixed among the three. Steven looked on in shattered disbelief that Connie did, indeed, predicted that Steven did goofed up today. Amethyst couldn’t stop wheezing and was laughing so hard, that she fell off the couch, taking the laptop with her. Connie could only say the word ‘no’ repeatedly as she shook her head.

“No. No. No. No. Noooope. Resident human slot has been filled.” Connie stated bluntly. “Please kindly leave, walk into the ocean, get eaten by a squid, and don’t ever, EVER, come back!”

At that moment, the temple door opened up once again, in which Pearl and Garnet walked into the room to the sight of disbelief, subtle rage, and unadulterated hilarity ensued.

“What… What’s going on here?” Pearl asked, trying to figure out which emotion she should be conveying at the moment.

“Just want to say no ahead of time. It can go two different ways. But just wanted to say nope.” Garnet said, folding her arms.

“R-Ronaldo. It’s… He wants… He wants to be a Crystal Gem!” Amethyst replied loudly, still having a hard time trying to control her loud laughter. “He wants to freaking join us and junk! This is just too funny!”

“W-wait. YOU want to be a Crystal Gem?” Pearl asked, taken aback.

“I thought you’d never asked. Of course, I want to be a Crystal gem! And you know, this place has always felt like home to me.

“NOPE! You will not be living here. And you cannot just join the Crystal Gems.” Pearl protested.

“Bu-” Ronaldo was cut off before he could say anything by Garnet.

“Called it. Definitely not joining us. You don’t have a gem. And your body is organic.” Garnet said flatly.

“Well… My body is mostly organic. And Connie’s organic too.” Steven said, looking at Ronaldo is a sense of well-meaning sympathy. He didn’t have to to turn to see Connie and Pearl glaring at Steven. “And… we’re Crystal Gems as well.”

“Oh good glob, Steven, really?” Connie asked, sounding offended. “Just going to throw me under the bus along with yourself? Really?”

“Steven, please tell me you’re not entertaining the idea of having… Ronaldo be a Crystal Gem?” Pearl asked, cringing at the idea of such a notion.

“Well, and please don’t hold this against me, just hear me out.” Steven said cautiously. “We're all different, but we love and accept each other. That's what Crystal Gems do. And isn't it great that someone is actually interested in what we do? What better way to show him what we're about than to accept him as a Crystal Gem, too?”

After his speech, Garnet slowly stars clapping at Steven’s semi-moving words. Pearl let out a long sigh as she slowly shakes her head.

“I… guess.” Pearl spoke, sounding defeated.

“Oh this is going to be hilarious.” Amethyst said, wiping away a few tears and finally stopped laughing. “Yeah, sure, I’m in.”

“That’s great.” Steven replied, slightly smiling before looking at Connie’s slightly amused face as she silently chuckled to herself. “Uh… Connie?”

“Oh, Steven.” Connie spoke softly as she walked up to Steven. “Steven, Steven, Steven… I’m gonna hold this against you. And when it does blow up, you are going to owe me a pizza.”

“And after a month, and it works out, What would I get?” Steven asked, curious about the sudden wager that presented itself.

“After a month, if everything goes smoothly, and he DOESN’T get eaten by a monster… We can do that thing you wanted to do…” Connie replied.

“You mean…” Steven began to speak, while giving Connie a chance to finish his sentence.

“The Spirit Morph Saga animated trilogy marathon… Yeah.” Connie finished. “Deal?”

“Deal.” Steven replied, grinning broadly.

“Does this mean I’m in?!” Ronaldo asked loudly.

“Yeah… It does.” Pearl said as she rolled her large eyes. Connie still had a look of uncertainty on her face. “I mean, we’ve had stranger house guests.”

“Steven? Are you sure this is a good idea though?” Connie asked, reaching out to hold his hand. “Him being a Crystal Gem? Garnet and Pearl could just… teach him who the Crystal Gems are. We get into some really dangerous stuff sometimes. Even now since Homeworld knows about the Crystal Gems and everything.”

“It will be fine, Connie.” Steven said, reassuringly. “Trust me. Things are dying down. They’ll get boring, and Ronaldo goes back home. I mean, what could go wrong?”

“Oh no…” Connie spoke, knowing that Steven had said something he would immediately regret a week later.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He was there for a week. One week. The house was in a state of mental decay. Dishes were piled up in the sink, while his clothes were in the dishwasher because he saw a ‘life hack’ video online that talked about how to restore clothes to perfect condition. That stunt alone caused an errant sock to clog up the pipes. All of the bath towels were used up because of a toilet mishap, which was almost reminiscent to the time where Peridot was living in Steven’s bathroom for a few days.

And then, there was the training. After a couple of sparring sessions, Ronaldo showed that neither he, nor his $350 sword he brought a DelmarvaCon, was up to the task. And after the 3rd sparring session, Connie's amusement of Ronaldo screaming and being chased around by a holo-Pearl had waned. It was almost nothing in comparison to how Ronaldo would act when he was told that he couldn’t go on missions because they were too dangerous. To say that his guilt trips were almost equal to his ineptitude of going after an unarmed holo-Pearl was, to say the least, an understatement. It all came to a head where after a few nights where Ronaldo kept training with his sword by constantly hitting cartons of milk and splashing things all over the place, Steven was at his wits end.

“You’re right, Connie.” Steven groaned as he and Connie did their walk on the beach one late afternoon after training. “Ronaldo is worse than he was before. He keeps trying to train at night, and for hours. I had to replace all the milk in the cartons with water because the house started to smell like warm milk.”

“I’m not going to hold this against you, Biscuit.” Connie said, wrapping an arm around her boyfriend. “I know you meant well. That’s one of the things I love about you.”

“But what are we going to do about…him?” Steven asked as he and Connie walked through the door, being met by Ronaldo himself.

“Oh. Hello Steven.” Ronaldo greeted him flatly while looking at Connie next. “Connie.”

“Ronaldo.” Connie replied with the same tone. His eyes shifted focus as he staired at the sworn on Connies back.

“Nice sword. Clearly, you’re trying to rip off the superior swordsman here. It’s cute.” Ronaldo said condescendingly.

“Y’know, Ronaldo, if it weren’t for the laws of calisthenics and human biology, I would strike you down where you stand.” Connie spoke, looking annoyed.

“Also, that sword belonged to my mom.” Steven added.

“Well why don’t I get your mom’s gempon? That’s gem speak for ‘gem’ and ‘weapon’.” Ronaldo asked, causing Connie to snort loudly.

“Connie’s been a Crystal Gem longer than you, and she’s got a ton of experience with swords. Almost… too much experience.” Steven replied, looking at Connie who was doing her best not to laugh loudly to the word ‘gempon’.

“J'accuse! Just admit it’s because she’s your girlfriend.” Ronaldo said sternly.

“I do believe the word you’re looking for there is ‘seniority’. I have seniority to use Steven’s Mom’s… gempon.” Connie corrected Ronaldo as she began to laugh, being too tired to stop herself. “And also cause I’m his sweet strawberry.”

“You- She doesn’t even live here!” Ronaldo stated, pointing at Connie.

“Yet.” Connie rebutted.

“I’m here all the time! I’ve carved out a quality groove here!” Ronaldo stated as Steven and Connie looked directly at where the our of service bathroom was. “If she was a TRUE Crystal gem, she would be a little more dedicated.”

“Dedicated?” Connie spoke with one eyebrow lifted and looking really unamused. “You… You have no idea. At the age of 12, I was willing to learn from a veteran sword master, I was willing to throw it all on the line when I was young. Something most kids my age wouldn’t ever dream of doing.”

“We’ve gone up against corrupted gems, mutants, and rogue gem warriors with an axe to grind. She had always wanted to defend and protect me. To protect the Earth.” Steven added on. “And honestly, Ronaldo-”

“Bloodstone.” Ronaldo interrupted. “I’m now called Bloodstone.”

“No. Nope! Nuh-uh. You’re Ronaldo. And ever since you got here, RONALDO, all you’ve ever done was boss me and everyone around like you’re the leader of the Crystal Gem, WHICH THERE NEVER REALLY WAS ONE! Who are YOU to say who is, and who isn’t a Crystal Gem?! All you are is just… just... some guy with a blog!”

Ronaldo had a stone look on his face as he looked down at Steven.

“Oh? Is that love?” Ronaldo asked in a flat voice. “Is that what acceptance is? Maybe it’s YOU that isn’t a crystal gem! Who are you to say who is and who isn’t a Crystal Gem? Maybe you should take a walk and think about things.”

Steven was shocked to the core as he walked on the beach, thinking pensively to himself.

‘What is wrong with you, Steven?’ He thought to himself, the guilt building up. ‘All he wanted was to be a Crystal Gem. He wanted to be a part of things. If I really was a… wait. Wait a minute!’

“STEVEN YOU FREAKING HIMBO, GET YOUR BUTT BACK IN HERE AND HELP ME FIX THIS!” Connie yelled out of the window from the house, causing Steven to realize what just happened, and what he needs to do to fix it.

A second later, from within the house, loud thundering footsteps could be heard from outside. The door was then kicked in with enough force to knock I all the way to the back of the house. Ronaldo stood near the kitchen counter, pounding it hard as he laughed loudly while the gems watched on in confusion, and Connie glairing a Ronaldo angerly.

“Fix. This. Now.” Connie growled, tapping her feet quickly. “He’s stretching out my future pajama top, for glob sake!”

“Oh Amethyst, you’re such a riot!” Ronaldo laughed.

“All I asked was why you were wearing Steven’s shirt.” Amethyst said, looking at Ronaldo with confusion. “Still waiting on that answer. Also, hey Steven!”

“Steven?” Ronaldo asked.

“YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!” Steven roared loudly as he pointed at him. “J’accuse to the power of freaking infinity! You know what! You’re right! For once in your miserable life, you’re right!”

“Oh? Glad to see you learned your le-” A dazed and sleep deprived Ronaldo began to speak before being interrupted by a visibly annoyed Steven.

“SHUT IT!” Steven commanded. “Yeah, We’re all about love and acceptance. We are! But you strolling in, thinking you know everything about us, being mean, and pushing us around? Not lovin’ it! And definitely not going to accept that. And honestly, I really with i hadn’t snapped a you earlier, but honestly, I thought you wanted to join us because you were interested in the Crystal Gems. But the moment, the hot second, that no eyes were on you, you stopped caring! You wanted to make it all about you, WELL IT’S NOT! This isn’t ‘The Bloodstone Club’, or ‘The cult of making Mr. Bloodstone feel good’. It’s ‘The Crystal Freaking Gems’!”

“Recognize, fool!” Amethyst Cheered.

“Hate to break it to you, ‘Bloodstone’, but this, ALL Of THIS!” Steven continued, letting everything out. “This isn’t some club, or guild, or whatever! This is my freaking, high-stressed, nerve-wracking, existential crisis inducing, mother-issue-creating, very overbearing LIFE! Do you even care about any of that? Do you?!”

Steven clenched his teeth as hard as he clenched his fist. The Crystal Gems had been taken aback, while Connie, standing behind Steven, was blushing profusely.

“I’m so in love with you so much right now.” Connie murmured as she bit her lower lip.

Steven didn’t pay a lot of attention though. his eyes were fixated on a sleep deprived Ronaldo. It looked like he wasn’t all there. After a few blinks, he collapsed.

“Wow, man!” Amethyst laughed. “You truthed him so hard, he died! That’s awesome!”

“Okay. Amethyst, we’ve planned for this.” Connie spoke in a commanding voice. “Sorry Steven, date night’s canceled. Amethyst, you get the bone saw and oil barrels ready, I’ll call up my dad, and we all meet up on the Jersey turnpike at midnight. Pearl, Garnet, you two are on Steven duty, so maybe get some ice cream cake or-”

Connie was interrupted by the loud snores, and a slight fart, coming from Ronaldo.

“Real classy, Ronaldo.” Garnet said as she opened up a window. “At least he’s not dead.”

“You say I like it’s a good thing, Garnet.” Amethyst said, sounding deflated. “There goes my night, unless you guys wanna bury him up to his ne-”

“Amethyst, we can’t dispatch every person we don’t like.” Pearl said disapprovingly.

“Well, date night is back on.” Connie said cheerfully.

“Um… not quite.” Steven spoke. “We still need to figure out what to do with ‘Bloodstone’ here. Looks like all of those sleepless nights finally caught up to him.”

“How long was he awake for?” Connie asked as she nudged Ronaldo’s sleeping body.

“2 whole nights.’

“Only 2?” Connie scoffed. “Lightweight.”

“Yeah… So, what do we do with him?” Steven asked.

“Don’t look at us.” Garnet said, indicating she was talking about Pearl and herself. “He’s your pet project.”

~~~~~~~~~~

Steven, Connie, and Amethyst, who had shapeshifted into the Purple Puma to carry Ronaldo, walked down the southern boardwalk and stopped in front of the Beach Citywalk Fries, which had closed for the night. Amethyst dropped him in front of the restaurant with a note saying ‘Bloodstone needs sleep’.

“Welp, that’s that for that!” Amethyst said as she reverted to her normal self.

“I think Fish-Stew Pizza is still open for another hour.” Connie mentioned. “And since it’s not a school night, mind if we both make good on that wager and get an extra large and trudge through the Spirit Morph Saga movies?”

“I would love nothing more.” Steven replied with a soft, tired smile.

“You know though… shouldn’t we worry about Ronaldo though?” Amethyst asked. “I mean, he could just come back tomorrow and try to weasel his way back in.”

“Not if we all pretended that it never happened.” Connie replied. “Say that we thought he was abducted by sneople or something.”

“Or we have Garnet sit him down and have a chat with him about who the Crystal Gems really are.” Steven said.

“Eh, not as entertaining, but I’m too tired to argue.” Connie said as Steven wrapped an arm around her.

“Let’s head back. Pick up a pizza on the way, and just take it easy.” Steven spoke.

After they walked away, the air was quiet. Still. Ronaldo, still sleeping on the ground, couldn’t have easily woken up. Not even when a bright light shone upon him as his body was lifted into a ship, and taken away somewhere. Never to be seen or heard from ever again.

**Author's Note:**

> I know i said i would be working on the 'The End?' arc. Just needed to take a break. it was getting really depressing. Plus, I missed crackfic writing. the REDUX series might be something i would want o look forward to expanding in the future. More antics, more feral Connie, Just... more. Period.


End file.
